This last year I turned another decade in life. I don’t like to admit it, but I am getting older. As much as I wish I was still in my twenties, I am not. It’s a hard pill to swallow, and making it harder is the fact that in the process of aging there are some distinct physiological changes that take place. You begin competing with aging in a daily battle to come out ahead.
First comes a little softening in the mid section. You notice your pants are “filling out” and your belt doesn’t have enough holes in it anymore. At first you think maybe you shrunk your clothes and your leather belt must have gotten wet in the rainstorm the other day. You can live with this until you remember you haven’t washed your pant since the last time you wore them and you definitely didn’t wear your belt the other day. A few months later your shopping for a size 38 waist and stopping by Goodwill on your way home to make a sizeable clothing donation. It’s as though your metabolism is on vacation and everything you eat joins you for an extended stay. Aging-1, me-0.
Next you start to experience typical hair displacement. It somehow moves for the top of the forehead to strange places, like ears, or inside the nose, or even worse, on the back and shoulders. You find yourself watching infomercials promising to permanently remove hair with ground breaking new techniques and laser guided follicle removers. You spend hours comparing different styles of tweezers, and toy with the idea of trying waxing for the first time. In the end you are forced to give in to the battle and admit defeat. Aging-2, me-0.
Next comes graying. First it shows up as one strand here or there, nothing that can’t be solved with tweezers and a little time. Then it moves in pairs, annoying, yet manageable. Then it comes in flocks, showing up in clumps in the beard and on the head. Chest hairs start mutating into gray, and the next thing you know, the battle is lost. It’s time to give in to it and accept that gray is now your new light brown. Aging-3, me-0.
After this comes aches and pains. Soreness in joints and the lower back. At first sighting, it can easily be dealt with by getting a little more down time between physical activities. This goes on for a while, then suddenly you hear a strange noise coming out of your mouth when you get up from the floor. Soon it comes out when you get up out of a chair, and even the bed. Later, as you bend over to grab your shoes you hear it again. Now you wake up groaning, aching all over, and you realize you haven’t yet recovered from your last physical activity three months ago. Aging-4, me-0.
After all this comes what I can only describe as a fatal blow to what little youth still exists. I went to the eye doctor a couple of days ago.I hadn’t been in many years, I think maybe nine. So I go to the eye doctor to get my eyes checked because out of three pair of glasses I received nine years ago, I am down to the last pair. To me it is no big deal because obviously my eyes haven’t changed that much, considering I can still use the glasses I have without too much problem. I can still see clear, I can read fine, and I am overall in good eye sight.
During the exam I didn’t notice anything unusual, except I couldn’t tell if the last letter on the line was an “o” or a “c”. I gave it all I had, without squinting of course, but couldn’t decide between the two. I did the close up test and flew through it with ease. Overall, I was feeling pretty good about how things were going, then came the post exam consult. You know, the time when the doctor goes over the results of everything that they made you patiently endure. This is the point where they tell you everything is OK and you don’t need to worry about a thing. They tell you your prescription hasn’t changed much and they explain how impressed they are that it has been nine years since your last exam and things are nearly the same. You know what I’m talking about, right?
Anyway, the eye doctor turns to me and says,”Everything looks pretty good. Your prescription has changed, after all, it’s been at least eight years. You are far-sighted. You may have noticed that when you read, if you take your glasses off you can read better. This is because, after we’ve had a few ‘special birthdays‘, we start to find it becomes more difficult to see here,” as she looks down at her hands as though to read a non-existent book, “even though we can still see here,” changing her gaze from her hands to the wall, as though to stare off into the distance. “When we’re younger our eyes make the adjustment for us, but as we get older they stop doing that.”
The whole time she is talking I am screaming inside, “Why don’t you just say what you want to say? I mean, really, I am able to handle it.”
Then she says it. I can still hear it ringing in my ears. The shock still resonating like a bad aftertaste. “Your going to need bifocals.”
Inside I am screaming, “I need bi-WHAT! Did you just say bi…focals? Those things that I made fun of my dad for needing? Those “old people” glasses.” While outside I can do nothing but smile, thinking back to the barrage of jokes my siblings and I threw at our dad when he needed his first pair of bifocals. Am I that age already? Where did time go? How is this possible? Aging-5, me….Ahhhh! Who am I kidding? I stopped fighting when it was 2-0.
She continues, “Now to correct this we can put a different prescription in the lower area of the lens. This is so when you look down to read your eyes won’t tire so quickly. Now you have two options with these. Your eyes are at a point where we can give you the ones without lines, or you can go with the lines, it’s up to you. If you’re not comfortable with this, you can always just take your glasses off to read.”
I look at the doctor and can’t help but chuckle and I say, “Sorry, I’m just thinking about how much I made fun of my dad the first time he needed bifocals.”
I say,”No, if I don’t have to have the lines then I think I will just get them in the lenses. It’s a whole lot easier than taking off my glasses every time.”
With a few more particulars I am out the door and on my way to inescapable oldness. I am on yet another rung of the proverbial aging ladder. I can now add this to the much growing list of “getting older” traits that I seem to be finding more and more frequently.
As difficult as aging has been for me, I think I would have a hard time turning back the clock. After all, I have been working 40 years to get to where I am today, and I have learned a great deal in that time. I have met some great people, experienced some great things, been to some great places, and I don’t think I would change it for anything. Overall, aging isn’t bad. Now if we could just get rid of some of these pesky side effects it would be a whole lot better.
I needed a Good laugh on Monday morning, old man…..